


Sick (Not as Alone as You Think You Are)

by MarTheGhost



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, Heartbreak, Implied Relationships, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Support, Vague, Vague relationship, road to recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 03:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8561575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarTheGhost/pseuds/MarTheGhost
Summary: You smile into the empty pill bottle as you hear screaming coming from behind the locked door.





	1. One

"Stay away from me!" he lashes out, and you cannot help but flinch. He winces in return but doesn't lower his voice. "I'm dangerous, you'll get hurt if you're near me!"

 

Your phone vibrates, and you glance down at the reminder.  _'That time already?'_ you think, so you move towards the cabinet, your back towards Luciel.

"Are you- are you even listening?!" he yells more, and you hear something crash behind you. You don't turn around.

"I am." you say, and you grab the three bottles you need. "I am listening. I have been listening.  _You_ , however, have not." You open one bottle, and spill out the pills, counting how many you need. "1, 2..."

"What are you saying?! I have been listening! I'm only protecting you! Getting close to me will only end in disaster!" his loud voice comes closer, and you grab the second bottle you need. "How.. how are you so calm?" he asks, and suddenly he sounds tired. Like he's gone into the ring with a world class fighter.

"I'm not," you whisper, and count under your breath. "1, 2, 3, 4..." 4 is how many you need. You move onto the third bottle, the little purple pills almost taunting you. 

"You're... not?" he asks, coming to move beside you, the closest you've been since he arrived.

"1, 2, 3..." you finish counting and put all three bottles back in the cabinet.  _'A glass of water... but he's in the way'_ you sigh, and ask him to move. He does and you get a glass full of tap water.

"No, I'm not okay," you finally reply, and this time you look right into his yellow eyes. "You're not the only one who's a depressed fuck who has a loathing self-hatred seated in the pit of their stomach." you take a gulp of water and down all nine pills, staring him in the eye as you do so. Like a challenge, saying _"C'mon, I fucking dare you"_. He doesn't take his eyes off you, not even after you've moved across the room to sit on the bed. You see a shattered lamp in the corner of your eye.

 

He returns to his computer.

 

~

"You're not as alone as you think" he finally says, and it takes you a minute to realize he's talking to you. It's been hours since you both last spoke, and the sky outside is now dark, the only light in the room coming from his computer and the moon. "You're not as alone as you think," he repeats, and you can feel his stare burning a hole through your head.

"I am," you say, and you roll over in the bed, facing the wall, not facing him. "I just take better care of myself sometimes," you say. "Why? You said you hate yourself, so why?" "For show. The pills, they don't work, but everyone says I'm getting better. They say that the pills are working. I know they aren't" you finally turn towards him, and surprised to see how handsome he looks in computer light. "How do you know?" he asks another question, and you stare intently into his eyes for the second time tonight. It's some time before you speak again, but when you do, Luciel is still staring back at you.

 

"Because I still want to kill myself."

 

~ 

He's finally asleep, his body leaned against the wall, his mouth open. Soft snores come from his mouth. You go to the cabinet and grab the bottle of Tylenol there. You look at his sleeping figure again, before heading towards the bathroom. 

You lock the door.

You open the pill bottle, not wanting to count, and down a handful. Then another. You take in until the bottle slips from your hand, and the pills spill across the bathroom floor.

You move to grab your razor resting on the side of the bathtub.

"Hello, old friend," you say, and laugh a laugh that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.  _'I don't deserve to laugh'_ you think.

You move to sit in the bathtub _'Easier to clean up'_

In swift movements, you begin battling your own skin. This war as cost you rivers of blood, but no one will know til morning.

No one was supposed to know til morning.

But you just had to cough, loud enough for the person sleeping in the other room to hear you.

 

~

 

He panics when he doesn't see another form around the room. He panics when he hears coughing from the bathroom. He panics when he realizes the door is locked. He panics.

 

~ 

 

 _"Don't worry. You're not supposed to know til morning"_ you want to say, but you continue to cough, this time with blood coming up with the garbled words you tried to say, but the screaming and pounding on the door didn't let up.

 

"You're not... even.... real..." the words spill out, and you hear his voice, and you realize he's trying to break it down.

 

You smile into the empty pill bottle as you hear screaming coming from behind the locked door.

 

Everything fades as you clearly hear his voice as he smashes through the door.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wonder how long it took you to realize this.
> 
> In the end, though, it really didn't matter.

Sterile.

 

The first word that comes to your mind. Sterile. It smells too clean, like someone was trying to bleach out every bad feeling, every negative.  _It's too clean._

 

You've ended up here a few times before, once to your own accord. You know where you are without even opening your eyes.

 

"Her heartbeat is rising. Is she waking up?" A soft murmur. Your heart monitor notes the spike in your beat and you wince. He wasn't supposed to know, he isn't supposed to be here. At a funeral, maybe, but not here.

There are more murmurs.  _'There' are more people... no, go away, care about someone else,'_   you want to say, but your throat is so dry.  _'Jumin... he's in a meeting with the oil prince...'_ Or, he should've been, except you heard his deep voice caught in the murmurs of the others.

"I'll go inform the nurse," he says, and you can hear the tap of his expensive shoes as he walks away.

"Honey, if you can hear me..." there's  _his_ voice again, and the sound breaks your heart. He shouldn't have found you. He was supposed to sleep through the night, not find you like that.

"No... go... aw...ay....." you cough and open your eyes. "You're... not.... sup....posed.... to be.... he...re" you manage to cough, and look down at your arms.  _'Oh,'_  you think 'he's _holding my hand'_   you don't try to squeeze back because you know why there are bandages around your arms. It would hurt more. You don't look at him.

 

"You're awake!" That innocent voice, Yoosung, who has all the hope in the world in his voice in two words. When you see him sitting by your feet, his purple eyes blinking back tears. You heart breaks a little more.

"I'm so happy you're okay" a soft, quiet voice, usually so stern, now so weak. You look to your right, and Jaehee, such a strong presence in your life, now reduced to tears. You look down and notice she's holding your other hand. Lightly, as if she were to inflict more damage by grasping any tighter, but needing to know you're still there.

"Where's Zen?" You cough out, and Jaehee speaks first. "He went on a coffee run with V. He's downstairs. Jumin is getting a nurse." She explains, and her voice is quiet.

"V's here?" You ask, the body to your left is still silent. It's Yoosung who speaks this time. "We... Jumin called him when we found out. He came down immediately." 

"You're family to him, just like the rest of us," you wince when you hear  _his_ voice. Shyly, you glance to your left. He looks like he hasn't moved in days.

"How.. how long did you wait?" 

He looks down at your laced hands and squeezes a bit more. "Three days," he whispers. You wince. "You weren't... you weren't supposed to find out then. You weren't -supposed to know til morning," you explain.

He doesn't stay to finish. Instead, he rushes out of the room. Zen enters then, V behind him.

"Oh! Oh, you're awake! Thank God!" He rushes over to you, setting everyone's coffee down on the side table. "We were so worried when Luciel called, we thought.. oh god, we thought.... just, why?" He cries and your heart breaks more.

 

"You weren't... you're not supposed to be here. You're not.... supposed to care.." you try to say.

"We do care, and I apologize we didn't make that clear enough to you," Jumin cuts you off as he walks into the room with a nurse behind him. It shocks you to see the state he's in. Hair messy, tie undone, shirt wrinkled. His sleeves are undone and rolled up to his elbow. "Luciel is in worse condition." He says to your unasked question.

"You shouldn't be apologizing! Don't do that! Don't care about me!" You yell, and the nurse tries to escort everyone out. Jumin raises an eyebrow and tells the nurse that won't be necessary. When she tries to argue back he snaps and says he owns the hospital, and telling him to leave wouldn't be wise. The nurse quietly begins the tests. Everyone stays.

 

"Someone go check on him," you say, not meeting anyone's eyes. "I will," Yoosung says, and slowly leaves his post by your feet. He seems reluctant to leave, to let you out of his sight. He leaves the room.

"That was the first time they left the room," V notes. "Luciel and Yoosung both,"

 

Guilt swallows you whole.

 

You stay silent.

 

"I suppose because of what happened with Rika... that he couldn't leave your side. And Luciel... well, you mean much more to him than you realize. To all of us." He explains gently. 

 

You realize everyone looks a mess. Jumin, with his messy suit, Jaehee, having forgone her regular outfit for one of sweats and a loose tee. Zen was in his undershirt, but still in jeans. Yoosung was just in a tee and shorts. V was similar to Jumin, as in he was barely put together. It's almost like everyone froze time and hasn't changed.

"How long have you been here?"

"No one has left since Luciel told us the room number," Jumin says. "I was at the office and immediately came here."

"I was in bed when I got the call," Jaehee, still quiet, not looking in your eyes.

"I was practicing my script," Zen sits to the right of your feet, opposite of where Yoosung was sitting. "Yoosung was in the middle of an LOLOL round,"

 

You don't speak.

 

"I was traveling when Jumin called," V states. "I was taking more pictures for the next party..." he trailed off. 

 

The room was silent for 20 minutes. The nurse left, saying the doctor would be in to see you in the morning. You nodded and she left.

 

Yoosung comes back in, a discouraged Luciel lagging behind him. He seemed... the biggest mess of them all. His hair was in all disarray, his glasses askew, bags under his eyes. His was missing his jacket, and he was only in his socks.

"You look awful," it slips out, and he looks up at you before you can look away. His yellow eyes always seem to know, always seem to know what you're trying to say without you having to say it. "You don't look much better," he replies with the hint of a smile. "Where's your jacket?" you ask. "Around you. You were shivering earlier so I..." he trails off, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

 

"I'm... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry everyone. I let you down," you say, and you start to cry. 

"No! No, it's our fault we didn't make it clear. You mean so much to everyone. You mean so much to  _me_ , and I- I shouldn't have gotten angry at you. I was just- gah!" Luciel pulls at his hair. 

"What he's trying to say is that we love you. You're like a sister to me!" Yoosung pipes up. "Yeah, we never want you to feel unloved again," Zen states.

"If you... if you want, we can get you help. I'll hire the best psychologist in the world," Jumin pulls out his phone like he's ready to make a call, but paused a moment. "I... apologize if I seem distant. You mean a great deal to me, and it would... sadden me to see you leave this world prematurely," He pats your knee and gives you a rare smile.

"You're my best friend... I apologize for not making how much you matter to me clear," Jaehee spoke up.

"You are family to us. Please, talk to us when you aren't feeling okay. Any one of us will  _make_ time for you," V says softly. "You matter,"

 

Luciel is freely crying. You realize everyone else is as well. "I... we love you,"

 

"You love me." It was less a question and more of a statement.

"Yes!" they all say in unison, and it makes you laugh.

 

 

"You love me."

You wonder how long it took you to realize this.

In the end, though, it really didn't matter.

 

You were okay for now. You had a long way to go, but somehow, you know you'll make it out alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! If you like it, please be sure to leave kudos! Comments are always welcome! If you want, you can run over to my works and check out my fluffy Jumin Han fic, Exhausted (Worth It).
> 
> Check out my Tumblr! http://wickedsquared.tumblr.com  
> Don't be afraid to say hello~


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